Collars & Stretchers: Spicing It Up

It’s very natural to have kinks or want to experiment in bed to spice it up, but it can be scary for your partner, especially if they are not into it. Sometimes it’s difficult to broach the subject with your partner without them feeling like you’re pressuring them into doing something they don’t want to do. It is where BDSM comes in; by framing BDSM as a way of exploring each other’s sexualities with consent and trust (and maybe some fun toys), you can help make your partner more open to the idea of spicing it up in your relationship.

relationship spicing it up

Talk This Out

The key to all experiments is always communication. It would be better to know what your partner’s sensibilities are and what they are open to, whether they want to take baby steps or explore things like slave collars. Before engaging in something like BDSM, it’s advisable to find out their comfort level.

Once you’ve got a good idea of what your partner is open to, it’s time to talk about what you want. It’s best to be honest and upfront about your desires rather than sneakily hoping they’ll catch on and get into it. Most importantly, you are comfortable with everything that happens during play.

Finally, ensure everyone knows when their last period was (if applicable). It will help avoid unwanted accidents during BDSM activities like spanking, flogging, etc.

Start Small

If you’re trying to introduce BDSM into your relationship for the first time, start with something small and easy to manage. A blindfold is one of the most common beginner’s toys, as it can be used safely even by people who have never tried bondage before. You can also experiment with different sensations—such as tying their hands together and then putting a blindfold on them—to see what feels good for them.

When introducing new elements like locking stretcher, do so gradually and carefully. Start with something that isn’t too scary or intense. If they’ve never experienced anything like this before, they may become overwhelmed if you start by tying them up in front of an audience at your local dungeon.

Get Consent, and Keep Getting It

You will want to get your partner comfortable with BDSM by asking them for consent. Consent is an ongoing process, not a one-time thing. You want your partner to give their consent freely so they can take it back at any time, and you must respect their request. Their permission must also never be coerced or given under undue influence or pressure, nor should they feel like they have no other choice but to accept what’s happening.

Use a Safe Word

The safe word is an important part of BDSM, but it can confuse new players. If your partner doesn’t know the rules, they won’t know what to do if they’re afraid or uncomfortable. The safe word is a word that stops everything. You have to pay special attention to it when playing bondage. It’s a way to say no, even if you don’t have the energy or words to do so during playtime.

If your partner has trouble expressing their feelings verbally or finds themselves unable or unwilling to use a safe word during sex, don’t assume that they’re fine with everything happening around them at any given moment. You need your partner’s permission before doing anything that could cause pain or discomfort. Otherwise, even if it feels good now (or later), there will be consequences later on.

Ignore Stereotypes

The first step to getting your partner comfortable with BDSM is ensuring they understand what it is. It’s not about violence, pain, or sex. It’s about trust and pleasure and love and power. If your partner doesn’t have a firm grasp of these concepts before introducing them to BDSM activities, they may start to resist anything you try to do. Or worse yet, they might completely shut down emotionally when confronted with the idea of doing something that goes against their preconceived notions of what BDSM stands for.

To help avoid this situation from happening in the first place (and if it has already), do some research yourself on how people in the BDSM community define themselves and their lifestyle choices. There are many great online resources that can give insight into how others see themselves; we recommend starting with The Professional Dominatrix Directory website for its wealth of information on all things related to professional dominatrices (otherwise known more commonly known as “pro-dommes”).

Learn to Communicate Non-Verbally

You can use non-verbal communication to convey your desires in a BDSM relationship. Non-verbal communication is a form of communication that doesn’t include words, but it still gives meaning. Examples of non-verbal communication include gestures and body language, like how someone holds their hands or tilts their head.

It’s important to remember that there are many different ways to interpret body language. What may mean one thing to one person could mean something completely different for another person. One way to ensure you’re on the same page with your partner about what certain movements mean is by discussing beforehand exactly how they feel about them through roleplay or other playtime activities where consent and boundaries are discussed openly before play begins.

Let Go and Trust In Your Partner

As you start exploring BDSM with your partner, it’s important to remember that you can’t control their reactions. You can’t control how they’ll feel about what you’re doing or how they’ll respond to any given situation. There are plenty of things that are out of your hands entirely, whether it be how their body reacts during a scene or how they’ll act when something unexpected happens.

It is especially true in the beginning stages of exploring BDSM together. Both partners will have plenty of new experiences and feelings coming at them from all sides. That’s why it’s so important for each person involved in a scene to trust in one another and let go of expectations about how something should happen instead of focusing on simply enjoying themselves with each other.


These are some great tips for getting your partner comfortable with experimenting. The first step is always communication – talk about what you like and don’t like, make sure everyone’s on board, and be prepared to compromise. If you feel nervous about communicating with your partner because of past trauma or abuse (or if they do), consider seeking professional help from an experienced therapist who can help heal those wounds. And maybe even teach you how to use BDSM as part of their therapy. Finally, remember that it can take time for new things in life because they challenge us outside our comfort zone. Keep going until one day it feels natural enough for both partners involved.

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